The Shade Tree Choir
Depression Survival
Insomnia and Depression
“ Get up and come with
me!” Dad said as he jabbed his index finger into the left side of my chest.
He pulled the covers
off, and I was startled when I realized it was morning. I also was embarrassed
because of my erection. It’s perfectly normal for little boys to wake with an
erection when they have to pee. I tried covering myself with my hands the best
I could when he shoved me down the steps to the living room and past Ma who was
sitting smoking. She had heard it all but neither said nor did anything to save
me.
“Get down those God
damn steps right now!”
“Please not another
beating, please,” I thought to myself.
He shoved me to the
second room of the 150-year-old basement lined with limestone. His right arm
flung in the darkness and he found the chain for the 40-watt light bulb that
provided more shadows than illumination. There, at the far end of the cellar,
was the doorway hiding the steps that once led up to the backyard and was now
entombed with the new patio cement.
“Get your ass in there
and do not come out until I tell you to. Do you understand me?”
I nodded my head and
entered the cramped space. The metal latch locked me in and quickly the shadows
were replaced with total darkness. It was 7:30 in the morning.”
“The Shade Tree Choir”
By
David Nelson
I was eight years old when that event happened to me. I was
locked in the space until 10 p.m. and then forced to return to my bed in the
upstairs hallway. I had not eaten nor had any water in over thirty-six hours.
Six decades later, I can close my eyes and feel his finger in my chest.
My entire life I have had difficulty sleeping. I don’t know
if the psychiatrist who treated me a long time ago for PTSD and clinical
depression was correct. Her theory was that maybe I have a deep fear of being
awakened by something that might harm me. I don’t know if there is a genetic
factor or other physiological cause of my insomnia. Scientists and behavioral
clinicians have differing viewpoints about depression. Truth is, nobody knows for certain.
Another truth is that I have clinical depression, sleep
apnea, insomnia and restless leg syndrome. According to the Restless Leg
Syndrome Foundation, 40% of people with Restless Leg Syndrome suffer from
depression. Nobody knows for certain if sleep deprivation can spark episodes of
depression or the other way around. I can only tell you about my experiences
with sleep loss and the relationship with my other diagnoses.
Exercise is an excellent method to combat depression. When I
wake exhausted because of two to three hours sleep, the last thing I want to do
is go to the gym. I force myself to work out three or four times a week. My
sleep pattern dictates the intensity level of the workout. I no longer snore
and I enjoy those infrequent nights of eight hours sleep, thanks to my C-PAP
machine. I had a sleep study years ago and have used my machine ever since. I
control my restless leg syndrome with medications and no longer jump, hop and
kick while sleeping. I try not to take naps during the day. I know that caffeine
in the afternoon can hinder my sleep pattern, as does alcohol in the evening.
My physician treating me for sleep apnea refuses to give me
sedating, anti-depressant medications. He says research shows there is
potential to suppress breathing and worsen my condition. I did attempt
medications for depression and stopped them. I gained some forty pounds and my
personality changed where I experienced no emotion at all. I likened it to
being flat-lined. I have lost twenty-two pounds on my way back to “recovery.”
I no longer go to the car wash in the middle of the night
and then wax my truck under the floodlights in the driveway. I no longer take
three-hour drives while the rest of the world sleeps. I smile to think I might
be getting better. I know better. Instead, I work in my office. I experience
some of the best creative moments writing or drawing between 1 a.m. and
sunrise. I have always been that way and suspect it shall remain such.
Symptoms of depression vary from person
to person. The following is a list of the most common symptoms. Some depression
patients have only one of these, while others may have some, most or all:
·
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness
and sadness
·
Thoughts of death or suicide
·
Loss of interest in things that were
once pleasurable
·
Concentration problems
·
Forgetfulness
·
Loss of libido
·
Changes in weight and appetite
·
Daytime sleepiness
·
Loss of energy
·
Insomnia
It’s one thing to read a list of symptoms. Here is a real account
of what life can be like for someone with depression. I received this from a
friend two days ago. He is a high-functioning member of society and successful.
Depression knows no boundaries.
“Nothing feels good, nothing sounds fun,
nothing tastes good and I can't sleep but I never want to get out of bed. My
teeth hurt from grinding them, my joints ache, it feels like someone is sitting
on my chest and I have randomly started crying about 7 times today. All I can
think about is my failures, my losses and how any effort I've put into life has
been for naught. My brain races through every disaster in my life and
tells me that it's all my fault. It tells me I've failed my friends and family;
I failed my mother; I've failed as an artist and musician. I've become the very
thing I promised my youthful self I would never be. This is depression. I hide
it well, but this is what consumes me and millions of others behind closed
doors in the darkness of our imagination. When people ask me how I am, I
usually lie and say I'm great, or good, or not bad. When really I'm thinking
about horrible ways to end it. I didn't choose to be this way, but I will
choose to fight it. Just remember, not everyone has the support system I do, or
the education I have received. If you know someone with depression, bipolar or
anxiety, please reach out to them today and join their fight. Much love to
those who fight with me.”
Suggestions for your consideration:
·
If you experience ideations of suicide
immediately call 911. You are not a weak person. You are someone who needs
immediate medical help.
·
Demand a complete physical including a
cardiac stress test. There is a correlation between heart disease, insomnia and
depression.
·
If you snore or kick your legs while
sleeping demand a referral for a sleep study. You too may have sleep apnea
and/or restless leg syndrome that can be treated.
·
No caffeine past noon.
·
Limit alcohol to one ounce for women
and two ounces for men before bedtime.
·
Hobbies that require deep concentration
may help you sleep better. For many years, I created stained glass artwork and
now have a new hobby. I am teaching myself to draw. When I get into the “creative
zone”, I have no time for the pity-pot attitude that can hinder my sleep.
·
No matter how tired you are during the
day try to get some exercise. Gretchen Reynolds with the NY Times reported on a
study from McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario about the benefit of a
one-minute all-out exercise. The article was written in the NY Times on
4-27-16. The study found a one-minute routine that is as effective as a forty-five minute
workout of moderate exertion.
·
Try purging negative thoughts before
going to bed. For me, writing stories, poems or lists sometimes helps.
Communicating with your spouse can be another method of release.
·
Write down all the positive things you
did today. Try writing all the positive characteristics about yourself. Learn
to love yourself. One of my other Blogs covers this topic. (4-23-16)
·
Try to manage stressors in your life. I
have written other blogs on that topic that you can read. (5-19-13)
·
I mentioned in previous blogs about
trying visualization, deep breathing exercises and playing CDs with sounds of
nature or music you find relaxing to help you get to sleep.
·
Lastly, buy any of my books and read
for a few minutes before going to sleep. I had to throw that in there and sit
here with a smile. It’s good to find humor in life.
My
Blog Location: http://www.davidnelsonauthor.com/shadetreechoir/
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