Saturday, April 23, 2016
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: Love Thyself
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: Love Thyself: Depression Survival: Love Thyself “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” Mark Twain How can someo...
Depression Survival: Love Thyself
Depression Survival:
Love Thyself
“The worst loneliness
is not to be comfortable with yourself.”
Mark Twain
How can someone not love himself? The Bible has passages
that relate to loving oneself. Like in Mark 12:31 where it states to “love your
neighbor as yourself.”
I’m not referring to arrogance, bragging or boastful
behavior. Those characteristics are wrong. I am referring to the basic human
understanding that we love ourselves and don’t want any harm to come to our
minds, bodies or spirits.
Someone who has never lived with the disease of depression
would have a difficult time understanding how a person could not love himself.
Some people who have the disease actually hate themselves. Yes, there are times
when the negative self-image roars to the surface and self-hatred is a dominant
theme. It may last a few days or it could possibly last a lifetime.
Take eight-year Krame in my book, The Shade Tree Choir. During his
formative years from that tender age until he escaped from his home, he hated
himself. He was continuously told he was a bad person, a son-of-a-bitch and was
no good. He believed it because his alcoholic parents and mentally ill mother
told him so. After all, to a child, parents don’t lie. Parents set the belief
system at a young age in their children. If they said it was true then it
surely must have been. Children have no methods to understand what alcoholism
does to the family. All they know is that physical beatings and constant verbal
abuse reinforce what the parents have said.
Krame thought he was bad. Each time he was kicked with
steel-toed work boots, slapped across the face, whipped with both ends of a
belt or locked away in a darkened closet, he just knew he was a bad person. Many
children of alcoholic parents learn not to love themselves. They learn nothing
is ever good enough and no matter what they do, they are destined to be “bad”
people.
They may grow with a belief system of, “If my own parents
don’t love me then how can anyone else ever love me?” That is why many have
difficulty with personal relationships. Sometimes when they get emotionally
attached and fall in love with another person, the old feelings of negative
self-worth rise to the top and they sabotage the relationship. By destroying
the relationship, they re-affirm what they were taught as children. “I am bad,
therefore you must go away.”
This can add more fuel to the fire of depression. I have
written about the physiological changes that occur with depression in my blog,
“I’m In The Mood For Music” dated April 17, 2016. Is depression rooted only in
our physical beings? Is depression rooted in learned behavior as children? I
suspect it is both.
However, somewhere deep inside the spirit of a child lies
the belief that he is not bad. This creates conflict. That inner belief of the
child versus what abusive parents may say about the child can be total
opposites. It requires tremendous energy to survive in such an environment.
His friends knew Krame as the Thinker. He analyzed every
action to be certain he would never be caught and beaten again by his dad.
There was no childhood for him. It was physical and emotional survival. Child
abuse does that to a kid. It takes away childhood experiences and sets up a lifetime
of conflict, trying to “love thyself.” Too often, however, even that adult
fails and does not love himself.
The depressive person then goes into a familiar cycle of
sadness, self-hatred and other negative thoughts. I wonder how many suicides
have occurred because people were in that thought process. I also wonder how
many suicide victims felt a sense of being exhausted trying to find answers and
felt overwhelmed. I suspect many – if not most.
Krame struggled his entire life trying to counteract the
ghosts of his past. He did become a high achiever like many others who suffer
clinical depression. I read that my idol, Mark Twain suffered from severe
depression and used to experience bouts of rage and melancholy. I understand.
Why? Because I am Krame. The Shade Tree Choir is a book about my childhood. I too have
moments of rage, severe melancholy and inability to function. I too sometimes
have to withdraw inside myself to nurture that little boy in me. This is all
part of the disease.
I have no idea if my disease comes from my genetic make-up,
my childhood or other learned behaviors in my life. I suspect it is a
combination. For me, what is important is to recognize when I’m about to be
smacked again with an episode. It is then I have to reach inside my bag of
survival tools and get to work.
Any depressive person who read Twain’s quote at the
beginning of my blog would nod in agreement that, “The worst loneliness is not
to be comfortable with yourself.”
There are times I am that way. I pull in emotionally to heal
and try to let it pass. I may sleep more, may become quiet and withdrawn and
find an activity that requires significant concentration. I intentionally stop
giving to others because I need all my energy for myself.
Many years ago I was a Board member for several groups. I
was hit with a stressful situation and knew I needed to pull in to heal. I
resigned that day from all the organizations and felt immediate relief knowing
I had time to help myself.
Here are some survival tools I use. I hope you find one or
two that may help you to love yourself.
·
I write. I either write poems or short stories.
Sometimes my best creative juices flow the best when I am in a funk.
·
I sit alone and fish. Sometimes watching a
bobber shuts down negative chatter.
·
I refuse to volunteer in my community and help
others. I spend the time needed on me instead.
·
If depression isn’t severe, then I go to the
gym. If it is severe I avoid exercises because I know as a retired physical
therapist that injuries can occur if one isn’t focused. I don’t like walking,
but it can be good for people who are in a negative state.
·
Sometimes I list the reasons that I am a good
person. That exercise helps bring positive energy to me.
·
I apologize to those I may have harmed with my
behavior.
·
I share my feelings. Like I have done here in
this week’s blog.
Here are some links you may find helpful
Sunday, April 17, 2016
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: I'm In The Mood For Music
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: I'm In The Mood For Music: I’m In The Mood For Music “Your brain lights up like a Christmas Tree when you listen to music.” Kimberly Sena Moore ...
Depression Survival: I'm In The Mood For Music
I’m In The Mood For
Music
“Your brain lights up
like a Christmas Tree when you listen to music.”
Kimberly Sena Moore
Neurologic Music
Therapist
WebMD
There are three factors that differentiate depression from
normal feelings of sadness or pessimism. They are the duration, severity and
symptoms. If they last longer than two weeks one might want to consult with a
physician. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 9.5% of
Americans experience mood disorders like depression and bipolar moods. 18.1%
experience anxiety.
I fall into both of those categories and have since a child.
My book, “The Shade Tree Choir” tells a story of
an eight-year old boy physically and emotionally abused by his alcoholic
parents and mentally ill mother. The abuse continued until he left home at age
seventeen. That child used to stop and vomit when he saw his dad’s car parked
in front of the house when he ran home to make it into the door in time for
supper. That boy lived in a constant state of readiness wondering when the next
slap, kick or punch might come his way. That boy learned a raw definition of
anxiety, stress, sadness and depression. I was that boy. I’ve been a
high-functioning member of society despite being clinically depressed.
My childhood and subsequent training as a physical therapist
give credence to my blog. For many years I taught professionals and the general
community throughout Florida about stress management. The techniques I used
were explained in my book, “Stress Management: Does Anyone in Chicago Know
About it.” That book is now out of print, but I continue to follow my own
advice given so long ago.
In my book I reported about a study performed by the U. of
California that compared physiological changes that occur because of our moods.
Clinicians divided drama students into two groups. Blood levels of “happy and
sad” hormones were tested in each group prior to the activity. Each drama
student was then told to go away and play a part. Some played the role of a
“Happy Oh” and the other half played a “Sad Oh.”
The “Happy Oh” exaggerated happiness. Arms were extended,
smiles were stretched across their faces, posture was erect and the danced and
played. The “Sad Oh” people had collapsed posture, withdrawn, rolled into a
ball and frowned faces. All returned after a set time limit and blood was once
again tested. The results were elevated dopamine and serotonin levels increased
in the “Happy Oh” participants. These are known as “happy hormones.” The test
was done several times to be certain of validity.
The result of the study was that the body reacts to the
costume we wear. I say to you, if you are feeling down – fake it. Pretend to be
happy. If you are feeling sad – fake it. Pretend to be in a good mood.
Eventually your negative feelings will be replaced with positive ones. Did you
know your mood is contagious? Yep, it is. Did you know that the older we get,
the more we tend to accentuate the positive? One exercise you might try on the
way to work is to pretend you are a “Happy Oh” and exaggerate your positive
feelings. Your mood may change and co-workers might enjoy being around you.
Change your costume.
Another exercise to try when you’re down is to sing. Yes,
singing alone has been shown to increase another “happy hormone” called
oxytocin. Singing in a group has proven to make people happier because
vibrations are sent throughout the body that lower cortisol levels (a stress
hormone) and increases endorphins (hormone that makes us feel content). Be sure
to read my previous blog about the negative impact that cortisol has on the
body.
As a footnote, I don’t think I would recommend listening and
singing, “He Stopped Loving Her Today” by the great George Jones if you just
broke up with someone. Pick a happy tune.
Listening to some music has been shown to lower the levels
of cortisol, reduce pain and improve positive emotions. Listening to songs
popular in your youth can be nostalgic and maybe bring back happier times for
you and change your mood. Mozart has been a proven choice for me when I want to
lighten my load.
Learning to play a musical instrument can sharpen memory and
protect the mind from ravages of old age. You are never too old to learn new
tricks and techniques. Several years ago I could not read music nor play an
instrument. I took five lessons to play my alto sax. My passion led me to use
this new activity to combat the blues of depression. One of my patients at the
time was the Maestro for a local symphony. He told me to slow down the tempo
and I could play any song I wanted and then gradually I would improve. It
worked. There are now fewer dogs howling down the gravel road where I live when
I play my sax. I guess I’m getting better.
Here is a link to a video on You Tube that will show you the
benefit music has with a patient who has dementia. Please take six minutes to
watch this jaw-dropping video. https://youtu.be/fyZQf0p73QM
Next time you are feeling depressed or anxious, try singing,
listening to music or learn to play an instrument. Change your costume and you
will change your mood.
Please like, share and comment on my blog.
“The Shade Tree Choir” http://youtu.be/y3EWghb6qnU
Sunday, April 10, 2016
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: It's All In Your Head
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: It's All In Your Head: Depression Survival Depression – It’s All In Your Head I unfolded the thick stack of papers, poured a cup of coffee and b...
Depression Survival: It's All In Your Head
Depression Survival
Depression – It’s All In Your Head
I unfolded the thick stack of papers, poured a cup of coffee
and began reading. As a retried physical therapist with extensive training and
experience, I knew the most important section to read first was the precautions with all new medications.
“POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: headache, trouble focusing, memory
loss, change in thinking clearly and with logic, weakness, seizures, change in
balance. Other effects may include bleeding, shortness of breath, chest pains,
anxiety, weight loss, bad dreams, thoughts of killing yourself, dangerous
impulses, violent behavior.”
That was the first of ten pages of precautions. The last one
read, “New or worse depression.”
I shook my head and tossed the unopened bottle of pills into
a bag I keep for expired medications. A couple times a year there are places in
my community where the public can drop off old medicines and then be disposed
of properly.
The event started earlier that day when I had my annual
physical. I told my physician I had two fleeting moments in the past year of
suicide ideations from my clinical depression. Such thoughts are not unusual
for the nineteen million people who suffer from the disease. Should you ever
experience this, I recommend you go immediately to an emergency room.
My physician meant well when he prescribed the medicine. But
after reading the list of precautions, I knew for certain I was not about to
take it. I would do what I have done for nearly six decades of coping
with the disease. My preferred method of choice is self-treatment. Research has
shown that depression can be effectively treated in 80% of the cases using medicine;
talk therapy or a combination – along with years of self-improvement
techniques.
Emotional
symptoms of depression can include: Sad mood, loss of interest in life, loss of
interest in once pleasurable activities, sense of worthlessness, lack of hope,
thoughts of death or suicide, anxiety, and empty feeling. Some physical signs
may include: fatigue, insomnia, chronic pain, significant weight loss or gain,
restlessness, irritability and decreased energy.
Should you
have a desire to kill yourself here are two valuable suicide hotline numbers to
call immediately. Again, I stress the need to go directly to the E-R department
at your nearest hospital. 1-800-784-2433
or 1-800-273-8255
Because of my
training and regular reading of scientific articles about the disease, I am
well aware of brain function and depression. Research has shown that there are
centers deep inside the brain that show changes in depressed people. These
areas are responsible for our moods, emotions such as anger, pleasure, sorrow
and fear. They also control our perceptions of reality. Other reactions
controlled include how we react to stress, appetite and ability to sleep.
Billions of
messages are sent throughout the brain by neurotransmitters. These messages are
passed along via chemical and electrical impulses and then back to chemical.
Some of the more common chemicals required to transmit messages include
serotonin, dopamine, acetylcholine and norepinephrine. Research has proven
there are significant changes in the production – or lack of production - of
these neurotransmitters with depressed people. Parts of the brain shrink in
some patients with depression and PET scans show impressive electrical changes during depression.
Despite the
research, scientists still do not know if the brain changes cause the
depression or if the depression causes the changes in neurotransmitters.
Genetic researchers have discovered some links among family members having
depression. The areas of how we react to stress, child abuse and mood change
have all been linked to specific genes.
Depression is
one puzzle piece with diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure,
circulatory problems, kidney dysfunction, heart disorders, immune diseases and
high cholesterol. Medications to treat depression can be powerful tools. Most have significant side effects.
Talk therapy,
exercise and decades of self-inspection have assisted me with my disease. There
are other forms of treatment that have pros and cons. I haven’t tried any of
these, but simply report them here for you. Some of these include: phototherapy
(light therapy), nerve stimulation implants, electroconvulsive therapy and
transcranial magnetic stimulation. There is no one magical cure for depression.
Each person, working in conjunction with the physician has to find what works
best.
It does no
good to tell a person hit with a wave of depression to pull themselves out it,
to forget about it, try to feel better and so on. I have no control when a wave
of depression crashes over me. I don’t choose to live that way. I have no say
in the matter. I realize I am about to run away emotionally and shut down. I refuse to share my feelings when I am in that state. I become less active and have no energy. I sleep
deeper. I don’t shave or shower and I don’t care. I exist. I hold on for the
ride knowing it will pass. Sometimes I get hit a couple times a year.
Occasionally, I am hit many times in a year. My inner strength has allowed me
to reach deep inside and still function as valuable member of society.
Depression
has been reported in many high functioning people. Some of these have included:
Mark Twain, Sir Winston Churchill, Princess Diana, Barbara Bush, Tipper Gore, President
John Adams and even President Abraham Lincoln.
It’s sad, and yet understandable, to remember those who lost their
battles. Robyn Williams, Heath Ledger and NFL athletes Andre Waters and Dave
Duerson are some well-known people who committed suicide. Depression is a
serious disease. If you are not seeking help, I encourage you to do so.
I have found
hobbies to be a valuable tool. Hobbies build a sense of self-worth, take my
mind away from negative thoughts and improve my ability to focus. Writing,
drawing, fishing, creating stained glass artwork and even squawking away with
my saxophone are some of my tools. I try to go to the gym three to four times a
week, I meditate and I share my feelings.
Whatever
method you choose I wish you well in your journey. Remember, you are not alone.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival
The Shade Tree Choir: Depression Survival: Depression Survival The Empty Easel This is my inaugural blog about “Depression Survival.” It’s not intended to replace any medic...
Depression Survival
Depression Survival
The Empty Easel
This is my inaugural blog about “Depression Survival.” It’s
not intended to replace any medical advice from heath practitioners.
“Depression Survival” is based on my experience as one who was physically and
emotionally abused as a child and on my education and forty-year career as a
physical therapist.
Both of my parents were alcoholics and Mom was mentally ill.
As a child I was whipped from both ends of my dad’s belt. I was kicked with
steel-toed boots, punched and slapped – often several times a week. There was no
emotional support, protection or love from my mother.
I was locked away for over sixteen hours in a darkened, hot
area of our house with only cockroaches and spiders to keep me company. I sat
on wooden steps above a dirt floor. The stairs once led to the outside from the
cellar of our 150 year-old home. The top of my tomb had been cemented over
years prior. Dad locked the door and left me abandoned in total darkness. That
was the day my childhood ended. I was about eight-years old. The full story is
in my book, “The Shade Tree Choir.”
My childhood consisted of learning to survive – physically
and emotionally. The constant state of tension and anxiety probably led to my
lifelong depression. But, I am a survivor. Hence the name of this blog –
“Depression Survival.”
I have lived with clinical depression for decades and, like
many others, have been fortunate in business, in my career and in my personal
life. I know one never outgrows the disease and that waves may hit at any
moment. I will share with you what I do to try to keep those waves away and
what I do when they splash upon me.
In upcoming issues I shall address what I consider four
components to “Depression Survival.” These include physical, emotional,
spiritual and social needs. You will learn my coping skills in each of these
four puzzle pieces.
Our journey together begins here. It’s the prologue from my
book “The Shade Tree Choir.”
“I struggled for air
and could only whimper for him to stop hurting me. I could feel my ribs being
crushed against the floor by his heavy weight on my upper back. The sheer force
of his hand stung my wrist as he pulled my arm behind my back and yanked it
sharply upward. I thought he was going to break it off. The shag carpet ground
against my face like sandpaper and I could feel the tearing of my skin. My nose
pushed into the fibers and I could barely breathe through the burning sensation
of pain. I gagged at the smell of the filthy tattered carpet, at the stench of
a decade’s worth of dog waste and urine. As I struggled weakly against his
grip, I choked on the odor of unwashed feet, mud, grime, and ground-in food. My
stomach heaved at the sickly scent of bourbon and beer and hopelessly, my tears
and sweat mingled into the carpet beneath me.
Why was my dad doing
this awful thing to me? What had I done to deserve such treatment?
I was eight years
old.”
For some sixty years since that beating described above, I
have analyzed, synthesized and realized that I have control. I have grown in
life and I have succeeded. I remain vigilant to the disease.
My dad also grew along the way. As reported in “The Shade
Tree Choir”, one night after a confrontation with one of my younger brothers,
he apparently poured the remaining Jim Beam down the drain and told Mom that it
all ends now. They stopped drinking at that instant and as long as he lived he
never had another drop to drink. Neither did my mother. I had long before left
the house when that happened.
Dad read books about positive thinking; he consciously
changed his behavior and became a different man. In that cellar where I was
entombed in the stairwell, where I was beaten hundreds of times, he taught
himself to paint. He remolded the area including new lights and a sound system
that played classical music while he painted. I suspect he found his soul
centered with his artwork. His works were impressive. When he died at a young
age of fifty-three years I was given three of his paintings.
Six months ago I stumbled onto a You Tube video about
drawing a tree. For an unknown reason, it caught my eye and I started drawing
different scenes after that original tree. Part of my constant effort to keep
depression at bay is to learn new hobbies. Like my dad, I have learned how to
draw using a variety of mediums. I am in the process of developing a coffee table
book displaying my new passion. Hobbies can be a method to combat depression.
One can become focused and negative thinking disappears.
Recently my older brother presented me with a gift. It was
Dad’s box of art tools and supplies. My brother was given these memories when
Dad died. I opened that box and floated my fingers across the paints of many
colors. I reflected on the days his hand dropped the belt and grasped the
brush. That box has travelled far from the place where I was tortured as a kid
to where it now now sits next to me as an old man.
Days when my soul is centered far outnumber negative times
of turmoil. Art gives me peace, as do many other activities. I smile thinking
of the irony between my dad and me. I shall fill his empty easel with own
colorful blends. Forgiveness allows that to happen.
Dad’s box of art tools
One of Dad’s paintings
One of my drawings
Be sure to visit my web site at www.davidnelsonauthor.com
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